India: A country of god fearing people. A place on the earth where to have a kid, couples prefer putting 5000 rupees into the 'daan peti’ instead of putting efforts on bed. A country where to make money, you just have to be in a piece of saffron colored cloth.

Undoubtedly, India has changed a lot. From last few decades, this one thing has not changed a bit; worshiping self-proclaimed demigods. There are many cases where we have seen that how these self-proclaimed messengers manipulate us by using the name of god. We have seen that how they misuse our devotional feelings or what you can say; fear of god. But still after all those MMSs, sting operations and their involvement in other illegal activities, we follow them blindly by putting all those educations and certificates of excellence inside our a**.

Sometimes, questions arise in my mind about these charismatic gurus: Who initiated this no loss only profit business? Where they come from? Who teach them? What makes them think that they are a demigod? Most importantly what they think before putting themselves in such a pathetic dress code; goggle, gold-plated watch, designer jacket from Lajpat Nagar with lots of atta on face.

Dude! If you think that you are changing your attire so to be in with the generation, then there is something you should check – A brain!

Maybe they belong to a hidden institute like – INDIAN INSTITUTE OF SELF-PROCLAIMED DEMIGODS. An institute to produce some high profile a**h***s. People are probably taught how to convert currency out of devotional mind. AHA! There are probably specializations divided according to different gods like; LORD SHANKAR BRANCH, DURGA BRANCH, etc. Of course not every single god. I mean… if we’ll start counting them then undoubtedly these god themselves can settle down a city. So only the important ones; the main avatar! They are probably taught the market value of every god. For example; Illiteracy rate is high in north India, so people worship goddesses Saraswati, an avatar of Durga, to bless them with lots of knowledge and excellence instead of empowering each other for education. So, a god woman will be allocated there, as a demigod of Durga, to serve the north Indian people. North Indians are also very much kind of Superstar Govinda; Kind of stylist, always ready to dance and of course hyper-superstitious. The demigods allocated in North India will also follow the Govinda trend to gain popularity and to grow his/her business. Just like Radhe Maa!

If not institute then there has to be a group like ISIS or Al-Qaeda. ISIS and other terror groups use the power of gun to diffuse terror and dread. This particular demigod group use the power of gods to diffuse fear. A socially accepted anti-social group.

Unfortunately, these self-proclaimed demigods are not products of an institute or a group. They are products of our fear. They are products of our low self-esteem. They are products of our under-confident nature. We think that these people are the only one who can help us get a successful life and prosperity. They are products of these kind of thinking. Why we always have to rely on someone to get what we want? Why we always have to cry on our helplessness? Why don’t we just push ourselves to convert that helplessness into our power? Why we always quit?

We think that these self-proclaimed superhuman can help us in building a connection with god. God, who if exist, is always connected to us. He/she don’t need a medium to be in touch with his/her products i.e., we. Besides, I think he has done his part by gifting us a brain which we can use to get anything which we want or to solve any problem. Then why to rely on him?

But the thing is; who cares! Let’s not take any chance! Let’s not think if these demigods are genuinely demigods. Let’s not think if they live dual lives. On one hand they are into some controversy and on other hand into robbing people openly. Let’s not think if we have that capability to solve our issues or not.

We should follow them by ignoring their involvement in numerous illegal activities, pinky looks, sexuality and desire to be a self-proclaimed celebrity. This will continue and should continue to be successful in life, as hard work and sensibility will never help you get success. But banging head on their doors will definitely.

It was a bright Monday but there was a dark energy all around. I could hear a guy from the other room of my PG crying out loud: YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!!!

After coming out from my room, all I saw was the common hall filled with people staying in my PG.

'How could they do this?!' *sobbing*

'Its OK man! Honi ko kon taal sakta hai'

'I can't believe we wouldn't be able to see them anymore'

'I don't know anything! What I'll do!? I don't even have a girlfriend!'

'Don't say it man! My hands are getting numb now only!'

'They are useless now!'

I could sense that something went wrong there like someone has died; maybe a friend of them. But I didn't care to ask them about their loss as I was new there and it wouldn't not be appropriate to scratch the wound. So I left and get back to my room where I suddenly realized that it's been now a week, I was ignoring the most important thing which I should do every alternate day to meditate; busy schedule, pressures and all. And besides, its very tough to seek peace and loneliness in PGs where you are living with other people. And to meditate, you should be all alone in peace with no disturbance. So here I was all alone and best time to do meditation, with my laptop and few tissues.

But time was not in my favor...

ERROR: PAGE NOT FOUND

It took me few hours to digest the reality behind this hindrance after flooding of a horrified update, over my phone and social media accounts. I realized then and there that why my roomies were crying and frustrated.

Beef ban... I said nothing.

Censored everything... I said nothing.

You even raised the price of cigarettes... I said nothing!!!

But not this! Not porn sites!! What these porn stars have done to the economy statistics of beloved India and their people. In fact it won't be wrong if I say that they have quite good contribution into its growth: specially to watch porn >> internet connection>> taxes >> growth.

Those days were fascinating with Abella Anderson and Kayden Kross but now.... Ban!!!!

They imposed ban on about 857 porn sites to protect minorities from accessing sexual contents.

Not 1 or 2 or even 100... But 857!!!

Its not their responsibilities towards the young generation of India but the jealousy of unable to enjoy Eva Anderson at their time of turning on.

"OH, WE WERE NOT EVEN ABLE TO CHECK ON THE B***IES IN MACHHALTI JAWAANI AND THAT TOO SECRETLY IN CINEMA HALLS AND THESE MORONS ARE ENJOYING SUNNY LEONE IN NAUGHTY NURSE AT THEIR HOME!? BAN IT!"


I remember the day I first visit one of these wonderlands. It was a trip to Hawaii. I hit the enter button and there I was... more than 100 rides to get on with almost all categories. You name it and there it was. But now it is inaccessible like King has finally destroyed and controlling magical moorland and this time even Maleficent failed to stop him. It was like one day suddenly the wonderland vanished leaving behind lots of Alice crying on their Karma.

Now we were crying and wiping our tears with the same tissue with which once we used to jerk off.

I cannot really imagine what will be the positive consequences of this ban but negative consequences. 

One of which is rate of suicide. Yes, rate of suicide will definitely rise up!

Office/ Exam/ Pressure >> Frustration >> Jerk off >> Relieved and back to the battle.

But now!

Office/ Exam/ Pressure >> Frustration >> PAGE NOT FOUND >> More frustration >> More pressure>> Again PAGE NOT FOUND >> frustration at its height >> Marriage/ suicide.

Another consequence will be,

PAGE NOT FOUND >> No A/V Class of safe and good ways of having sex >> No practical knowledge because no one talks about sex education in our sabhyata se bhari rapists ka desh >> Again frustration >> .....


These hands which were once proud of themselves for doing such a great work, more than even eating and writing, are now feeling numb to its height. Now they will never smile and do work enthusiastically.

They say that it's for our benefits that they imposed ban on Porn sites. Well all I can say that there are a lot of things which should be done for our benefits in our country: poverty, unemployment and all those traditional evils which are actually degrading us from last many decades. So I will definitely give up on my hands the day you will impose ban of those things first which really worth a ban because only banning cuss words, beef, net neutrality and porn sites won't bring the change but imposing the same on corruption and imbalanced system will.

But till the time: One minute silence for Pornhub....

What is a friend?

Someone who is more than an acquaintance.

A friend is beyond anyone or the thought you have about that particular being.

It's beyond any other relationship which you have in your life. It’s the only relationship which you create and explore by yourself. It's not the one which you have by default - by birth. It’s the relationship which you make with a person by your own understanding but not with someone else's. And as it says the best way to explore the life and yourself is only by making decisions and understanding things in your own ways. And by the way, it's important to experience things on your own... it's important to 'create' experiences on your own.

A friend is someone who maybe not an important part of your life but helps you in understanding the priorities of those important parts. He/she is someone who may not be very interested in what you are saying but listen to you every time you need a listener.

In fact, we never share things to a friend so that he/she can help us in solving issues. Well, that is something which we always want to do in our own ways, though we always have a misconception that talking to a friend is a best way to solve a problem. But the fact is we share things because sometimes you just need a good listener; someone who will listen to you, not to judge and throw a solution on your face but to balance the stability. We share because there are few things which cannot be share with just anyone but are meant for some special people who, after getting back home, may forget what you said or shared but give the full attention whenever with you. 

Yeah, sometimes they screw you too but it’s good to be screwed up. And getting screwed up is the best way to tighten up your nuts. So what if your friend screwed you up, you'll have your chance to return the same to him/her because this relationship is beyond expectations and demands. It’s beyond the hierarchy which you always need to maintain with any other relationships. To share your thoughts, you don't need to filter yourself and a limit because this relationship has no limits but just genuineness.

So respect them or disrespect them, they don't really care about you saying frustratingly 'LEAVE ME ALONE' but they care to be with you at any cost whether you like it or not.

Well it’s that every single person with whom you spend even an hour, a moment or an entire life. It can be your mother, your father, a brother. It can be someone with whom you prefer to drink all the time. It can be your roomy who loves wearing your clothes no matter you like it or not and always ready to hold your empty pocket. It can be someone who envies you every time you move above him/her in personal or professional life and motivates you whether you want to be or not. It can be someone who gives up a girl for you and even screws you up for a girl. It can someone who very well know how to embarrass you and even know how to rescue you from a embarrassing moment. It can be someone who is far away from you but always be there whenever you want him/her or not. It can be even you yourself!

So I will not ask you to respect them because these morons literally don't want your respect or even attention but just a name about which they can proudly say - Hell! This bugger is a good friend of mine.

Friendship is not about F.R.I.E.N.D.S or Zindagi Naa Milegi Dobara. It’s just about having chai at the corner and damning on each other's mistakes.

'OMG! Ranbir was looking too hot na', it was the first thing which she said after coming out of the cinema hall. She took the name 'Ranbir' in such a way as if Ranbir Kapoor is nobody but her very close friend or chacha ke saale ka chota bhatija.

'Yeah!', of course I was out of options to argue with her as I knew that countering her words will only lead to - 'Oh! You are jealous', like the superstar will come and ask her for date instead of Katrina Kaif. And by the way, the only way to not create a mountain out of molehills in the conversations with your girlfriend is by supporting her words, no matter how much you disagree with her.

'Wish you were like him. How charming he is!?', OK, that was enough....

Starting from Alam Ara, we have been noticing how the Indian motion pictures have evolved according to the generations and its need for entertainment, understanding social responsibility or even KHANS.

Undoubtedly, Indian cinema is giving us every possible thing which a tired, frustrated or a joyful Indian wants in the weekend. But it (......)

There was a time when actors were quite average looking sophisticated Indians, throwing dialogues from nostrils and don't even know what one should do on a song except roaming around a tree.

Then came the era of handsome actors, good at dance and even singing too. They were baby boomers and good for their generation. At least girls at that time were quite convinced that these superstars are only meant for yet another female superstars. They were like logical fans!

And then came this; a falter. A guy who, on getting under control of emotions, used to stammer a lot. A guy who started doing movies by playing negative roles and became the most romantic and desirable man on earth (as what they, the girls, say). It was a time when Bollywood was into our vein so much that we started living and comparing our lives to that of a character on the 70 mm screen. So gradually he might be not a very romantic person but the image which he got by playing his so called unrealistic role on the screen made him that: The king of Romance.

Parallely, another guy came in; a muscular from filmy background, a 'Prem' image on reel and regular customer of court cases in real. That was what girls were dying for; good at looks but muscular too, no matter if he is running his car over someone. I mean.. A full package of most desirable bad boy. Well, guns and roses!

So unfortunately or fortunately, they (with many like them) became the love of every single woman. They were so much into them that girls started comparing them to their real love; I mean, the one who is paying for the tickets and taking her to the cinema hall so that she can enjoy and compare her favorite hero to her can be-to be-may be-why be-freebie man.

It heightened the scenario when girls started dating to those guys only whose name were either Raj, Rahul or Prem. It was like going into Ramlal ka dhaba and eating his ruthless Wada Pao because he named it Maharaja Burger on the menu. But actually it was never like McD's Maharaja burger, but just the name!

I used to wonder that why the mothers also started naming their new born baby boy as Raj, Rahul or Prem; because somewhere they also digested the 'illogical fact' that their kids' future will come into darkness of celibatarian if they won't name them any of those.

Somewhere we also swallowed the bitter truth that simplicity was no more the trend but the Rahulantic and bhai attitude; filmy pick up lines (which sounds romantic but impossible) and the move. The girls were no more towards sexy dance moves but the 'hatho ko pasarne wala' move. You might get rejected if you don't know how to make that hand moves; Rahulantic moves. You might get rejected if you are not wearing a blue stone bracelet.

The era continued and this one sided competition became tougher and tougher where the on screen heroes were unfairly winning every time. Sometimes Siddharth...sometimes Varun Dhawan or sometimes someone else! Even Hollywood and Daily soap actors too!

'Look at his abs! Damn He is sexy. Why don't you make it?'

Well who will make these girls understand that they spend more than a lakh on their trainers to get inside such a tight shape, which was more than impossible for us. It is a part of their job to look as much good as they can but not people like us for whom what is important is a sharp mind in the office, not abs and an average look. But still the Johnny Bravos tried and trying their best to get inside the shape just to get few more points in the comparison meter.

Besides you cannot talk about Alia's hot legs or Kangana's sexy figure to your girl. Otherwise get ready to face the K.O shot. However, they can! Or you have to convince them issuelessly that you are not jealous from those artificial abs.

Now the question is; there are also some hot and talented actresses in Bollywood to which we could have also compare or dream about getting married or even a relationship or even adore so much that you can kill anyone who will criticize her, like what girls do. They can even leave you or drive you to hell if you'll criticize him (one of the most desirable men) on his last film which was full of nonsensical items but no story. Well yes there are many! But the first thing is we are quite logical fans (won't deny if they have given a baseless film) and secondly, we know that we can't get them even after infinite birth.

Well the comparisons were illogical and somewhere we also knew that no matter how much she will love those charming actors, they will remain stick to us. They are just some crazy fans who just desire to have them but impossible to get them though they never want to digest it.

So what if they don't want to digest it! At the end, we'll win! So let them adore those 'charming' and unrealistically romantic guys, at the very end with the help of those pick up lines, it'll be us who will successfully plot ourselves into their fantasized mind.

And then came this! A headline of apocalypse; Shahid Kapoor married a non celebrity girl studying 3rd year in DU. A very good news for Shahid Kapoor but unfortunately a bad one for us... Yes! For us, not the girls. Yeh! Of course girls hated this news and some even cried to death for losing him as if he committed to all his female fans that he'll either stay with his bachelor-ship or marry all of them. But believe me, it was us who were sad about the news... or won't be wrong if I say... thinking about the future. There was a time when at least we were quite at ease about the thing that no matter what happen, at the end, no celebrity is going to touch our girls. But now with Mr. Shahid, everything is changed now. Now nobody can stop girls in dreaming about marrying these most desirable men. And it might happen that their dream can come true.

Now I am wondering that the competition is never going to end and actually it never going to be in our favor. Now the only option left to us is to treat girls like a celebrity as what we are doing from last many decades because even an ugly girl can get a line of celebrities and non celebs too, but we have to work out without Alia bhatt.

'Baby, I am so lucky that you're with me but not with him. Please don't leave me for Kapoor khandan. I can go for plastic surgery to look charming'.

‘Listen ma’am, you don’t really understand my situation. I have to rush from this city as soon as possible and you are eating my bloody time’, Raghav was at his anxiety level when he came to know from the inquiry that he has to wait for the next 20 hours to catch the next flight to Delhi. Though the department could help him in escaping from the city as soon ass possible, but they were bound by the rules and regulations of the flight management, which says that only in the case of emergency they can give a stretch. Raghav’s case was not an emergency one for the department, but for him, it was. It was a question of his life and death. He somewhere knew or assumed that by next 4 hours, he has to leave Bangalore otherwise the consequences can take his life (at least for him). He knew his life was in danger, but from whom!?

After a long unsuccessful discussion and requests, he finally decided to catch the bus – which bus? To where? Neither he knows nor does he care. All he was worried about to get out the place as soon as possible. And there he was – an unknown bus to an unknown place but outside Bangalore. His heart beats were rising faster than ever until the driver started the engine. It was 3 AM, the bus was not even packed with passengers and besides it was about to cover the most dangerous highway but Raghav was relaxed.

Everything was normal back in the morning. He woke up with the first hit of the alarm and followed his regular routine; an hour long Puja, toast at breakfast and daily dose by his boss before lunch. But a regular lunch at a regular restaurant which changed everything.

'Hey! The bill!', eating Chinese food is not that tough as much as selecting any particular item of them is. The first day I entered this restaurant, I randomly chose this very fascinating Chinese item which they call Chop suey and I call fried noodles with extra tomato sauces, some ghas-phus and a half boiled omelet at the top. Though Ravi knew that Chop suey is my regular order, but even after that he keeps on bombarding the menu over my face; maybe it's because he wants his regular customer to try something more costly. But I was barely interested in other items. Chop suey was the only food item along with which they also used to serve a cookie at the end; fortune cookie, a Chinese snack invented by an American, which on cracking you'll find a small piece of paper rolled in it, defining your fortune; the best part for me at least.

And finally, the cookie with the bill arrived. I was eager to crack it more than swallowing it. The day was not that good as I always have wished it should be, so yes, I was eager to grab a clue of my coming hours. But cracking the cookie came out to be the worst thing ever happened to me. The paper was actually not defining my complete fortune, but my death.

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! IT WILL BE YOUR LAST DAY ON EARTH, IF YOU WILL NOT LEAVE THE CITY WITHIN 12 HOURS.

I have cracked more than 300 cookies in that restaurant, but never found anything like this before and that too in bold letters. It was like it wanted me not to ignore it and neither had I wanted to ignore it. Suddenly every single cookie I cracked before started rushing into my mind just to strengthen my thought of following the cookie.

Wear red, you'll find your love - positive

Don't be in touch with someone today, you'll find the peace - positive

.....

........

..........

The scan was supporting the cookie and gradually strengthening the fear of loss of life. I threw a 500 rupee note on the table and rushed from there without the change. I was feeling a void in myself, which was enough to block all the thoughts. I should be back to the office, but I wasn't. All I was feeling was just my heart beats pumping faster than ever. The next moment I realized that I was running... running faster than ever, thrashing the traffic and the people who were enjoying their life without any fear of death... without counting their days on earth. But I! Being aware of my death, I was still numb and running unknowingly where to go and how to save my ass.

My phone was ringing since I left the restaurant, but I didn't care to even check the caller ID. Suddenly every single matter on earth became meaningless to me; family, friends, career and love. It was my life which was important for me at that moment, beneath the fact that this life was not only of mine but it also belongs to many people... people who care for me... people for whom I was everything... for whom I have said million times that I can give my life for them. But all goes in vain with the parallel realization that these are just words to say. You will run for your life, but nobody else will, when it is at risk.

I was out of my breath, but I kept on running. It was fine in the morning, then what went wrong!? Everything was going good until I saw her. I should have taken another path to the office. A glimpse of her and here I was; running for my life. Though I tried to counter her ominous peak immediately the time I saw but it failed. Her ominous glimpse not only let my boss jump over me for getting late and made me sacked but also invited the death to my table. It’s sometimes really crazy to think about such a being, that is covered with black shiny hair and have sharp grey eyes, which looks not less than any beautiful creature on earth but tagged with ominous subjects. But it was! What if nobody had ever found or (if not wrong to say) patched her with ominous creature?! I guess I would have been enjoying my work at my office, thinking about how to spend the next weekend with Romana.

But I was here holding my breath and flowing with the cowishness of the people like a paper boat flowing downstream towards the waterfall.

The streets, vehicles running on it and people walking on it were scaring me to death. I was not responding to any known person calling me from the other side of the road. I was not passing nearby street stalls because it might happen that that hot oil might spill over me, I could slip on the knife which that lady is holding to cut the guavas for her customers, that man could kill me because he got jerked by me in between the cowish, that bus running on the street can get off from there and run over me. 

I wanted to cross the road and took the shortcut to my destination but I was afraid of everything. Since an hour, I was trying to cross the road; when it was not clear and even when it was clear. But my steps were jammed at the signal. Every step I was taking... every move I was making, the only thing flashing over my mind was just that small piece of paper wrapped up in oil saying that I am going to lose myself very soon.

I was insecure with every single matter on earth because somewhere, believe it or not, every single matter on this planet can harm you at any time accidentally or deliberately; be it a human being, be it an animal or be it any subject. Plotting all those fear into my mind, I decided not to take the cab or anything to reach my destination i.e. airport and stayed on the streets towards the airport. But it was impossible to do so, as the only way to the airport was from the other side of the road.

‘Sir, help me in crossing the road. Will you?’, I asked a man standing beside me on the zebra cross with my eyes on the vehicles waiting for the signal to turn into green .My body was totally under control of fear but I knew that standing on the signal or walking towards nowhere can only lead me to lose the time and my life, so the only option left with me was to ask someone’s help in crossing the road whether I wanted to take help or not. Yes! It was not enough to win over my fear and I don’t even wanted to as I was totally convinced that it has conquered me but 15 second tranquility was enough to reach my destination on time.

The man held my hand and started crossing the road over zebra cross. Between all these situations, my eyes were still with the vehicles at the signal and the signal itself. And finally I was there… the other side of the road.

‘Thank you, sir. God bless you’, suddenly the man who helped me there instead of taking thanks, gave the same to me. The other moment I realized that the man who was holding my hand… the man who was all the way with me while crossing the road was actually with a stick and wearing black glasses and he was blind! A blind person helped me but thanked me instead, so does it mean that all the way I was helping him in crossing the road!?

Between all these situations I almost forgot that the time was slipping away from my hand and instead of thinking much over the so called thankful scene, I directly rushed to the airport.

I should have known that the airport authority will not understand my situation. But all was OK now because I was on this bus which was heading towards somewhere outside Bangalore. I was never so much relaxed before. It was a feeling of winning over death and fear. I was looking on that small piece of paper due to which the past 10 hours came out to be the worst hours of my life and smiling on it. A winning smile!

Suddenly a forceful jerk pushed me harder towards the front of the bus where immediately I grabbed a seat to lock myself from falling. I felt the speed of the bus which was increasing with every second with my heart beats. The few counted people inside the bus started falling on each other and shouting. The other moment I realized that the bus came down from the highway towards the ditch. It was the ditch which made the bus go out of control, break free and limitless. I should be in fear… panicking but I wasn’t. I was falling from one seat to other. I could see the glasses cracking up. I could feel the crushing of the bus. I could see the blood coming out of head flowing towards my chin through my nose. But all I was thinking that I ran 12 hours to save my ass and finally when I felt that I won it over the death, I was here… here going downwards with anonymous high speed with the bus. I should be safe as I was finally out of the city and that too within 12 hours! But I wasn’t. I should be in my office but I let a piece of paper to decide my fate… fate which is always unpredictable. I looked on to my right hand which was grabbing the seat and laughed at the holy and astrological rings which I was wearing on it.

Right at there I understood a very truthful thi….

“Girl, I know it’s too early to do this thing but as it says that when it’s right, it’s right. I won’t say that I’ll pull down the moon and stars for you. I won’t say that I’ll die for you because I want to live this life with you. But yes! I’ll do every possible thing which will bring a smile on your face; which will never hurt you; which will strengthen our pure relationship and that too till my last breath”.

It was dark inside the hall filled with fog on the surface and a mild romantic instrumental playing at the background, just like what I asked for to the manager of the restaurant on this valentine day. I was on my knees, proposing to her who was standing in front of me with her folded hands by her chest, in the center of the hall under the dim light on us. Though there was no need for her to say anything or give an affirmation because it was purely visible in her eyes and smile that she too loves me a lot… actually it won’t be wrong if I say that she loves me a lot.

“Yes, I love you too”, She said while holding my shoulder to make me stand on my feet and hugged tightly… tightly enough that I could feel her heartbeats in the soft silence which was thumping faster than mine. It was that, maybe because there was no fault in her love for me unlike mine for her. But I was helpless to do this to her. I was bounded to do this to myself.

More than a minute passed by and she was still under my arms like she’ll never let me go away from herself. And suddenly my phone rang up, to pick up which I tried to make myself free from her endless affection but even after that she didn’t let me go away.

“No, please. Let it be. Few more minutes… I was dying for this moment to come since I met you”, she whispered to my ears while her face resting on my shoulder, in oscillating voice. I could feel that she was crying but I said nothing. I was numb enough to not understand her feelings. My phone rang up again and I knew that this time I have to pick it up otherwise I have to face bad consequences.

“Baby, I have to take this. It’s important”, I forced and pushed her away from my arms to pick that ruthless phone which was more important than her feelings for me at that moment.

I rushed to the corridor leaving her alone in the hall to receive the call.

‘I was abou…..’ I tried to explain the reason of my late response to the call but the other guy countered in between.

‘Listen to me you asshole! Make sure you upload it by next Friday otherwise get ready to face the real me’, he threatened me. This person, who was now connected to my life, was once my well wisher (as what he used to say) but now wanted me to make profits for him. A mistake and the connection started building up with him who was leading me to nowhere but hell. I knew that what I was about to do in few days is absolutely anti social and as disgusting as he was. But I was helpless. I knew that if I won’t give him what he wants then he’ll take my life. And if I’ll do this one thing for just one time then he’ll not only spare me but also give me money. But for that I’ve to spoil someone else.

‘Sir, please! The work is almost done. You’ll get it on Friday but please be merciful to me after that’, he hung up the call as soon I finished my words.

Seven days passed by with lots of games with her feelings and here I was on Friday; Geetanjali Hotel. We were shopping in the nearest street market when it’s started raining and as per the plan, I took her to the hotel. She was all wet and so was I. I insisted her to change in here and wait for the rain to stop for which I have to take a room (which was already been booked under my name from someone else). And she agreed to that. Everything was working under the plan with her unknown from everything.

“All you need to do is switching the power button of the remote on entering the room and don’t forget to stay in focus every time’. The receptionist whispered to me as I collected the keys and the remote.

I did the same as I was asked for while entering the room. I locked the room and quietly pressed the blue button on that tiny remote which was resting in my pocket. It was the time and I was nervous. I quickly managed to check the hidden cameras’ positions and the focuses on which I should be in with her. She was standing ahead of me with her back towards my face and drying her wet hair with a towel. It was the right time for me to do the thing for which I took her to this place. Though I had touched her before, kissed her before but this time I was even nervous to look at her. I slowly put my hands over her wet shoulders which was carrying her wet and heavy clothes and looked towards her face. She turned around and gave me a mild smile which was enough for me to understand that she is ok with me getting physical with her. But there was also something as if her body was not anymore with herself. I slowly moved my hands from her shoulder to her back and made her face in front of mine. Suddenly I noticed that we’re not in focus, so I moved ahead to her by making her moving backward directly to the focus. We’re now under the focus and her face was in front of mine. We’re close enough to feel each other’s warm breath. And I put my lip over her lips. I was kissing her back to back. But she was more than numb, like she doesn’t even care what I was doing to her body. The other moment I opened my eyes, I was over her and naked. My adrenaline started rushing as fast as it could. I was totally inside her… loving her not to stop. But consciously keeping a check on being in the focus, by rolling all over the bed. The whole time her eyes were away from me unlike ever before. She never looked away from me whenever I was used to be with her but this very time, she was not with me but her body. It was a feel of loving a dead body.

Suddenly her eyes went red and ready to burst into tears and it was more than visible to understand that there is something of which she is not feeling happy.

“Baby, what happened? Are you OK? Should I stop?” I stopped there and asked her.

“You know what? I learned this very thing the time I entered the room that you’ve placed a camera behind that wasp and the wardrobe. I learned that the person whom I loved so much is going to betray me” her voice started oscillating with every word. I was surprised and ashamed. I was not even able to make eye contact with her, so I moved towards the corner of the bed and sat on it away from her with my eyes on the floor.

“I learned… that the person whose promises were nothing but just another sales speech to sale my soul and love for money. But I didn’t stop you because I wanted to see how far you can go to kill my soul. I didn’t stop you because there was no shame in you to do this kind of ru...ruthless thing to a woman who loved you so much that she was ready to SLEEP WITH YOU”, She continued and ended with a loud cry.

“But you… you complete your task. Now there is nothing in me you can destroy more. Now I am already dead. You carry on and do whatever you want. Check if we are in focus not or you want any help? TELL ME YOU FUCKER!? You want me to SMILE on it? SAY IT? SAY SOMETHING?” She burst out and started hitting my back while pulling me towards the bed.

I was ashamed enough to leave the place and die. This girl trusted me and loved me so much that she was ready to sleep with me. Me?! Who was selfishly destroying a life to save mine. Me!? Who was… or is doing a mistake to come over another mistake. I was feeling a void in myself… a void which was worst than dying. I put on my clothes, pulled out all the cameras and wiring which were hidden in there, leaving her behind crying on the bed naked and made a last call while moving out of the room.

“Hello Police station? I have something to confess”

“Hello”

“Bhaiya, Dad’s no more”

“OK, Take care of mom. I’ll be there by tomorrow”

It was 4 a.m. in the morning when my phone was buzzing with the calls from all the relatives I had; some to sympathize me and some to do more or less than that. I woke up with the news from my younger sister, and like yet another day took my day’s first fag and followed the routine; black tea, gym, bath, newspaper, breakfast… and all those stuffs which I do every day. Although, I should be in hurry to take the first flight to India, but I wasn’t feeling the haste. It was the person who used to play with me every time I needed a friend, has died. I should be shocked to death or at least numb for a moment. It was my father who died… the person who is responsible for my breathings, but I wasn’t even reacting. It felt like I’ve waited a lot for the day.

I was on the afternoon’s flight to Delhi when all started recapping; my alcoholic father whom I’ve never seen going at work, though I’ve heard from mother that he used to be the most prestigious person in the Delhi Stock Exchange. But since the day I came to my consciousness, I only saw him in fuddle and anger. I only saw him thwacking my mother and myself. All started recapping; how I did the thing which I shouldn’t have done that night to my father, despite of the fact that he was about to kill my mom. It was yet another night for us of terror and thwacks then why I raised it!? Since that night I neither talked to my father and nor had I made any eye contact with him; neither when I got the scholarship to study in US nor when I got married. I should have contacted him for once at least to make him realize that what he used to say about me was bullshit, that I can never be a moneymaker, but I never did so because he, as a father, never cared to know my well beings. He never cared about what I’ve become or who I was. He always cared about his bottles.

Reckless memories of my father narrowed the 23 hours journey to a minute and brought me back to the place where I never wanted to come; Delhi.

It was a normal environment at the house, not like what it should be in a typical Indian house where someone died just a day before; house of dolor. Few relatives were there which I could recognize from my maternal side but hardly two or four from the other side. They’re taking the sip of tea and blander dashing on the recent government’s decision on price rising, banning beefs and all which don’t relate to the person for whom they’re there. The condition at the house was not surprising to me as the person who died had not done any good to other people. Even if he had, then it must be lesser than the bad ones. And it should be; no matter how much good a person had done to you, a single bad thing can ruin all the good deeds. Neither there was something like my father owned any property so, that his relatives would even able to find a part in it. It was looking like the people at the house were not there to sympathize us, but just to confirm the death. All eyes were on me seeking tears on my eyes like a daily soap drama.

“Oh my son! Poor son! What happened is not good. I am sorry for your loss”, it was my mother’s only sister who once used to damn on our family and my father but was now hugging and consoling me as if she was the only well-wisher. Once according to her, it was my mother’s fault to get married to an alcoholic person and her luck that she got married to an NRI. 

“It’s very kind of you. Now if you’ll leave me then I’ll see mother”, though there was no need to consolidation as I was OK but I wanted to see my mother if she is fine. But she was fine… more than I was, though I could see the dried tears on her lid which was showing that she was done with her mourning.

“How was the flight? Well, let’s get done with the tithis”, mother said while calling the pandit.

I decided to go with the Arya Samaj rituals. It is the century who believes in 320kps speed and so do I. The scene at the ghat was nothing less than like a local government‘s office. A huge number of dead bodies were covered with white cloths with a white flower’s ring bouquets and other rituals stuff lying over the bodies. Every single person was in dolor for their losses, but at the same time in hurry to get done with yet another formality.

“There you go. Our number is 23”, uncle said while handing over a piece of paper written 23 over it.

“23! I didn’t catch it”

“Well it means bhaiya’s body will get inside electric heater once these 22 bodies will get done. Thankfully the caretaker over here is a friend of mine so we get at least 23, otherwise it won’t be get done before 58”, uncle said while pointing towards the other bodies which were lying in the waiting hall with dad’s one too. It was unbelievable that more than 50 people died within two days in Delhi and more, that even after so, the population is increasing day by day instead of decreasing.

“How much time it’ll take”, I asked him so to confirm the exit.

“Well generally a dead body takes about 45 minutes but as Bhaiya was old and his body must contain more alcohol than blood, it won’t take more than 20 minutes”, uncle uttered with his filthy mouth, with a clinch of smile on his face. My dad was his elder brother and once he helped him to open a shop in the native place, so that he could feed his family. But all went in vain with his death that even his own brother is making fun of his void body.

While waiting for dad’s number, I saw those 22 bodies getting burnt and 22 different kinds of relatives of them; some in mourn, some in hurry, some damning the body and some taking last blessings. And then came our turn. It was unexplainable what I felt when dad’s body was getting inside the heater. I wanted to cry because no matter how he was to me or my mother, he was my father but I controlled myself because what he did to us was overweighing everything and for which he was never regretful.

Four days past by and I was done with all the rituals. It was my time to get back to my life which was less voided than this life. I was ready with my luggage to catch the first flight to SF.

“Son, there is something inside the drawer of your father’s study table which your father wanted you to check as his last words”, mom said holding my hand when I was about to get inside the taxi.

“I’ll check it next time. I am getting late”, I resisted seeing what my father left for me. It was harder to believe that he left something for me and if it is, then it can’t be a big thing to check out.

“I know son, your next time will never come. It IS your last visit”, mom knows me more than anyone and she understood that I won’t come back. I went to my father’s room. It was filled with darkness and the hawan’s smoke with folded mattress on the bed and empty wardrobe. Since five years I haven’t entered this room but now I was there to check his stuffs. It was the same table on which once my father used to work on the stocks and then used to drink hard enough to kill his consciousness.

I pulled the drawer and found the same rusted green colored steel box which I used to keep as my money bank. The box in which I used to put a one rupee coin every day before I left home. I loved savings and this gave me my career; a banker. The box was heavier than the time I left it. Those one rupee coins were having different specification in it pointing that in last five years, how many times the government has changed the design of it. There was a note left inside it with the coins.

SON, THIS WAS ONLY THE THING WHICH I COULD DO FOR YOU; FILLING THIS BOX WITH YOUR SMALL DREAMS. I AM PROUD THAT PEOPLE DON’T SAY THAT YOU ARE GONE OVER ME.

I AM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING.

And it rolled down from my eyes.

It was my 43rd continued insomniac day and my eyes loaded up with fire but I knew that I can’t sleep. I almost forgot the last time when I took the bath or even had something to eat. But I was not starving, maybe because stomach is filled with liquors… lots of liquors. It was dark inside the room just apt for me and days back blocked every corner of it from where the light could even reach. The room was so filled with smoke and darkness that I was not even able to see the cigarette packet which I kept few minutes back somewhere on the bed. I groped and whatever was coming to my hands were the bottles which were all over the place. Well, the phone also came into the grip – 562 MISSED CALLS, 1021 WHATS-APP MESSAGES and 2132 TEXT MESSAGES. Though my left hand was hurting very badly as I tried to cut the vein 3-4 times but in vain, I managed to get the cigarettes.

A puff of it and all started playing again into my mind – spoiled career, broken dreams and my girlfriend. How I tried over the limit to save them but failed in all. How I kept on fighting and struggling to get those which were mine or could have been mine. But the matter of the fact was, I failed every time. This was the moment which was laughing at my condition – a failed person, with all of them who expected a lot from me but… I failed in all of them… I failed myself.

The agony was killing me softly, so I decided then and there to end this. I decided to end this ruthless and failed life. So what would be the best thing which could kill in a blink without any pain – Cyanide? But I was almost bankrupted. Dozens of sleeping pills would be the best way.

Finally I came out of the room for the last time to buy some pills. The sunlight was killing my eyes even under sunglasses but I was determined to kill myself. I was with the pills and heading towards my home when I saw Sharma aunty who was (like always) crying on the bench in the colony’s park and again with bruises on her face. Though it was a common scene for us, the neighborhoods and an open case of domestic violence but I always wanted to talk to her about this. I always ignored it – why to dig neighbor’s garden and you never know when people will start making scores on you. But it was different this time – my last day on earth and at least I can talk to her.

“Hello, Aunty”. I kept the pill inside my pocket and greeted her.

“Hello beta. Where were you? And what happened? You are looking screwed too”, she greeted back with a fake smile.

“You mind if I sit here”, it was better to take permission. I didn't want to live my last day with bruises too.

Ten minutes passed by and I didn't even ask her if she’s OK which was not looking obvious.

“You know nobody talks to me in this colony…” suddenly she broke out the silence.

“Well nobody talks to me now and maybe I know why you people don’t talk to me, because I’m spouse of an alcoholic and violent person. Is this my fault?” she said in an oscillated voice and tears.

“I...I I”, I was thoughtless as we never spoke to each other before and suddenly she was sharing her personal life with me.

“28 years and still I am struggling with myself. Sometimes I even thought to end this brutal life but I didn’t. In fact now I’m used to these bruises. You know why?” and she looked into my eyes seeking for the answer which I didn't know.

“Because of my daughter. I know that one day she will come and rescue me from him. She promised me the day she left for her studies that she will come back and take me with her and then we’ll live our life happily ever after. I’m living and struggling in life so that one day when I’ll be with her and happy, I will forget all these violent days. And I would feel grateful to have such a child without whom it would not be possible”. And she walked away, ending the first and the last conversation with me. There was a spark in her eyes when she was talking about her daughter. In those 10 minutes, I saw two different phases in her – one who is living her present days in violence and the other who is foreseeing the future with hope. There was incandescence of hope in her eyes of which she was not sure that whether she’ll get those happy days or not. But still she was hopeful and will happily struggle.

I was still on that bench and thinking about her. Why is she living such a miserable life? Why wouldn't she just leave him or kill him or even kill herself? Why she is so much hopeful about the future? What is the guarantee that her daughter will come back to take her? How can she be so much optimistic? And many more questions which were weakening my decision to kill myself. I was desperate to end this miserable and meaningless life which was less miserable than hers.

I took out the pills and thought about the decision which I took the morning – suicide, and this is what is I’ll do. I stood up and moved towards my destination. Suddenly I noticed Munna counting some old folded notes with his tiny hands. Munna was a kid from the nearest slum who used to do household work for the entire area – whether you want laundry or you want some groceries, he’ll be there to get your work done ASAP but of course for tips. I heard many times that he also used to exchange his services for some books.

“What are you watching at? It’s my money, sir” he noticed me staring at him.

“Good for you. From where did you accrued those and in what exchange?”

“Two years! I was accruing this from last two years for my school. And now I’ll also go to school”, he said while raising his ragged collar.

“TWO YEARS! Well, that’s a very long time. I must say you’re a very small kid to understand the meaning of patience and giving up”, I don’t know why I asked this question to a kid; maybe I was convinced that this kid is the answer to all my questions.

“Giving up! Well, I was born in slum and a onetime bread is enough to put a smile on our face. What could be worse than this? Amma says that now we have already lost every possible thing and one day will come when we’ll only achieve and get happiness because then there would be nothing to loose”, Munna uttered big words from his small mouth.

“Kid, you do a lot of big talks. I’ll wish you’ll never face anymore loses or fatigue”, I said while feeling pity on myself but not on him.

“Absolutely sir, I’ll never give up. But you know what, when Jhilmil gave up her life then I also started thinking that maybe school is not a subject in our karma then Amma told me that one should have a lot of guts to give up and should have unlimited guts to face the huddles of life and struggle. I’ve unlimited guts and I won’t give up until and unless I won’t get admission in school and won’t become a big man like you all, sir. And one day I’ll also speak fluent English like you, sir”, he justified himself with the same spark which was in Sharma aunt’s eyes. And maybe I was getting my answers. I was feeling proud on him and pity on myself so I took out some money out of my valet and tried giving it to him.

“No sir. I don’t want charity. I’ll go to school and I’ll become a big man but on my own and on my own guts so that one day when I’ll become the same, I’ll remember my slum days and celebrate my victory which I achieved on my own. Amma says…”, He refused to take the money and finally gave me all the answers for why Sharma aunty was ready to face the brutality of her husband, Why Munna is ready to fight with the world, Why David is not giving up in searching for the job from last 4 years, Why Saraswati is not giving up on her family to accept her boyfriend as her life partner and Why all of them who are struggling, are not giving up? Because of determination and hope. I was strongly determined to kill myself for which I ignored all the huddles but what would really happen If I determine to get all the things which I lost or which I want – career, love and everything. This is one of our problems – we can easily and strongly determine to harm ourselves but not if there is struggle then we’ll just give up on it!

I threw the pills on the road and stepped up to my home for a new start – ready to face any kind of loses because now I understood that what would be the taste of the wining which I’ll get in future for sure.

PS: I realized that it would be better if I’ll just return back the pills to the medico – well, get my money back. So I came back to the street but found nothing. Someone picked it from the street. Maybe someone like me!?

16th December 2012, an unforgettable day I guess. Though in every twenty minutes in India, a girl is raped and some cases even crueler then Jyoti’s case. We know this fact for decades. Then why now people are reacting and making this so called Nirbhaya – India’s Daughter, such hype? The convicts got punishment then why still some people are protesting and filing petitions? Maybe media is running out of some fantastic magnetic ideas and that’s why hype and we all know this media hype.

That was my neutral thought before I watched the documentary – INDIA’S DAUGHTER because somewhere I thought that the change is coming but I was wrong.

I was curious to watch and learn about Jyoti from the day I heard that BBC is documenting the entire story because what really happened or what really is the thinking of other authorities or the convicts was kept blur all the time, far away from the reach of people or the fourth world. Then I heard that Delhi imposed a ban on the documentary, and I got more curious. Yesterday, my curiosity took its last breathe when finally I stream it on YouTube.

And this is what my upgraded thought is; I AM ASHAMED. Yes, I am. I am ashamed that I share gender with those people (the rapists) who are justifying their cruelty by saying that they’re trying to teach a lesson to women whose life should be confined inside house and kitchen. I am ashamed to be a part of the system whose law enforcers say that a girl should know what to wear, what to say, when to come out and with whom to go out. According to who, it was and will never is a fault of us, the men, in rape cases but only the victim. Our culture is the most fascinating culture and there is no room for women.

I am ashamed because one side we talk about gender equality and on other side we claim and try to pull them down just to prove that “WE HAVE THE BALLS NOT YOU”. Man! If you have the balls then you don’t even need to prove it!

And I am disgusted that I belong to the system which is hypothetically a democratic system but love imposing ban on those things which are our rights or which could enlighten the reality of our downgraded society and its keepers just for the sake of protecting our cultures.

Why we’re so much insecure about those golden cultures which have become a canker to equality and secularity of our country? This insecurity which is driving us away from the realism and far-far away from growth!

We have to understand that the mindset which says that women are only meant for reproduction and housekeeping can only show us the path of darkness and it need to be change. I was shocked to watch the disgusted and hypocritical reactions of some of the prominent authorities on women safety in the documentary more than Jyoti’s case itself. Cases like Jyoti’s are maybe in itself a mole to the society but the reactions of ‘leaders’ are shameful shadows which are bringing it into darkness. And all it needs is just incandescent of morality and humanity. But till then keep on shaming yourself but not anyone else that even after knowing the morality, you’re even not able to change your surrounding and its system. I’m not even able to bring the change! And I’m ashamed that I belong to the system which do not give punishment to the rapist but punish BBC for showing this to the world.